Here's Johnny - Super Tuesday? Not yet, baby!
As this is written, Super Tuesday is underway, and it has come to my attention that I have not won a single delegate in my quest to become your president. Actually, my crackerjack staff tells me I have not won a single vote. I attribute that failure to their consumption of that delicious treat and their tendency to play with the prizes inside each box instead of working to get me elected. I'm sure Dear Readers recall my July 30, 2015, announcement in this very column: "Me For Prez in '16." I suppose I'm somewhat to blame, too, having spent most of my time on my duties at The Sun and thus neglecting to inform the country of my platform and perhaps even my candidacy. If there's a reality show host in the White House next January, I must accept some of the blame. But hope springs eternal, so let me remind you of my qualifications: I appointed a commission to see which sort of hat I should wear before taking it off and throwing it in the ring. Commission members, including a certain city council member who will not be named, told me my hair was too darn good to hide it with a hat. I am a veteran who will play the veteran card anytime a non-veteran (like nearly all of my slightly better-known and better-funded opponents) disagrees with me. It's the big crow in the Rook deck, as I pointed out last summer. I am an Irish-American, and we've not had one of those since JFK played the lead in Camelot. I'll get something done, and after the commission I've appointed to tell me what I should do reports back to me, I'll appoint another commission charged with doing away with commissions. I'm only an inch shorter than another Kentucky native who became president. While I'd rather not be known as Honest John - a little too used car salesmanish - wouldn't it be nice to have someone who can look down on foreign leaders? I'm non-partisan. Political parties care about winning elections, not the good of the country. I care about the good of the country, not, as may be evident now, winning elections. We've not had a Kentucky-born president since Honest Abe (who didn't like being called Abe, but didn't object to being called honest). U.S. Sen. Rand Paul didn't get the job done. Only this son of the Bluegrass State is left. I will do away with all lobbyists who don't work for charities, and I'll have a few of them put on the chain gang, too. As I pointed out last summer, the people who write our laws aren't just members of Congress. I will issue an executive order forcing for-profit lobbyists to build that wall between us and Mexico the present GOP frontrunner has ordered. However, instead of risking a second war with Mexico trying to force that sovereign nation to pay for the wall, I'll order the lobbyists to use some of their ill-gotten gains to do so. I'm not only tall, but regular visits to the gym and good genes suggest I'll be able to knock the cap off dictators - and not just the wee ones like the squirt in North Korea - for at least two terms. Why get the military involved when I can open a can of whup-ass on the guy in charge? Of course, if it's a woman leading the offending nation, we'll go to war, as I'm a gentleman and don't strike ladies. The ninth reason I cited last summer for running is that I was running out of column ideas. With the help of Dear Readers and good friends, I've managed to fill this portion of page two each week since and now feel confident I'll continue to do so until Inauguration Day. I suppose that wasn't really a very good reason to vote for me, anyway. Finally, I'm a veteran. I've yet to receive the first campaign contribution in the shady alley next to the Versailles Municipal Building, but again, I'm the hopeful sort. Just know that your cash donation (unreported, please) to me will go to a good cause, rather than all the other idiots running for Prez.