Here’s Johnny! I’m mildly vexed!
Dear Readers may recall some of my previous inventions, such as filling empty water cooler containers with cold air during the winter (for summer cooling) and warm air during the summer (you get the drift).
Engineers scratched their balding heads over that one, uttering long words like “thermodynamics” and other fancy engineering terms.
They also raised unibrows about my proposal to install laser beams on the headlights and taillights of cars, which would be used to fix, with no wreckage, drivers who text or don’t use their turn signals.
I maintain the Departments of Defense or Transportation would have gone for that one.
But as Edison or Tesla would tell you if they were alive, for every great idea, there are a dozen others stymied by people who are jealous or just don’t get ‘em.
For my latest and greatest get-rich-fairly-quick scheme, engineers, scientists and their overeducated peers won’t be consulted, though I will probably run it past a lawyer of the pro bono variety.
Here goes (and please remember that the publication of this proposal establishes a patent) …
Effective the moment this is published and posted, I hereby put all Americans on notice that I am mildly vexed with them. (I considered the adjective “angry” but decided that could be misinterpreted, and I have no desire to spend profits on non-pro bono lawyers.)
This condition, this mild vexation, can be remedied very simply.
Simply send a check (preferably the certified sort) of at least $5,000 to: The Complaint Department, Woodford Sun, 184 South Main Street, Versailles, 40383. Credit or debit card numbers can be emailed to email@example.com. I promise not to put more than $5,000 on them unless told otherwise, or unless I make an honest mistake, which is quite possible, because I’m very honest sometimes.
Now, I’m not a complete Silly Billy. I’m aware that most of the 300 million or so Americans (that number could decline based on President Trump’s mild or greater vexations) don’t read The Sun, though they should, which is one reason I’m vexed. I’m also cognizant of the fact that even our Dearest Readers may not see the personal benefit of sending me $5,000 to remedy my vexation with them.
I think you’ll reconsider when I remind you of the old truism, “You can’t put a price on happiness.”
Actually, you can. It’s $5,000. If times are tough, I’ll work with you on an installment plan.
Now, insert my name between the words “on” and “happiness” and it begins to to make sense, doesn’t it? Then, for donors, there’s the collateral benefit of knowing I won’t be vexed with them anymore, which is even harder to valuate.
I wish I’d thought of this before, but I get distracted, what with being a reporter, columnist, inventor and devotee of lost causes.
Now, let’s do the math: If just 200 (a small percentage of our readers and an even smaller percentage of Americans) folks decide to settle my differences with them in this manner, I’ll be a millionaire.
If 400 of them do so, I’ll be a two-millionaire.
Believe me, I’ll share the wealth. I’ll throw thank-you parties at Moss Hill Country Club, Addie’s and Wallace Station that the people of Woodford County won’t soon forget, as much as they might like to the next day. I’ll make out checks to the Woodford Humane Society and other good charities, and might even put them in the mail.
I won’t blow all my money on parties or charity, however.
To make (more) money, one must spend money.
Therefore, I’ll spend my vexation profits on building a factory to manufacture large containers which, depending on the season, can be filled with cold air or hot air.
Editor’s note: The preceding column should not be construed as a threat to any of the people Mr. McGary has covered or will cover in The Sun. It’s also entirely possible that the bulk of it was written tongue-in-cheek, though in our weekly meetings, he continues to insist that his cooling and heating proposal isn’t just hot air. “It’s cold air, too,” he says.