Me for prez in ‘20
Two or three times a year, when the deadline clock is ticking and my mind isn’t, I look back to see what the heck I write about on this page at this time last year, or the one before, or …
Such a search began in earnest late Tuesday morning. This is what I found from July 30, 2015 – one of three columns that earned me a second-place finish in the Kentucky Press Association weekly column category.
Hey, Carson got away with running repeats, right?
After carefully reviewing the qualifications of the five Democrats and 116 Republicans running for president, I have decided to throw my hat in the ring.
First, I’ll need a hat. I’ve appointed a commission to look into the matter.
Many of you probably aren’t aware that the author of “Here’s Johnny” first ran for president in 2008. It was a low-key, underfunded campaign, to be sure. Quite likely, my write-in vote (along with those of my supporters, henchmen and toadies) wasn’t even counted, due to arcane rules about such matters. Seven years later, I’m not only older, but wiser – laden with gravitas, you might say. And if you won’t say it, I will.
What are my qualifications, you ask?
First (and last), I am a veteran, and plan on playing the veteran card any time a non-veteran disagrees with me. It’s like the big crow in a Rook deck, you know? Also, as someone who wasn’t captured and tortured by the enemy, I’m the kind of veteran Donald Trump likes.
Second, I am an Irish-American. Say what you will about our alleged proclivities for drinking and fighting, we’ve not had a good Irishman in the White House since JFK, and he was a lover, not a fighter.
Third, I’ll get something done. Exactly what, I don’t know, but I won’t be the sort to appoint a commission when tough decisions requiring political courage are needed. In fact, I’ve already appointed a commission to look into how to do away with political commissions – after my hat is picked out, that is.
Fourth, I’m tall – 6’3”. We’ve not had a tall man in the White House since LBJ, and while he made plenty of mistakes, no one would argue that he wasn’t a tall man making mistakes. Is it coincidence that a man many consider our greatest president, Abraham Lincoln, was 6’4”?
Fifth, I’m non-partisan. A pox on both their houses, I say – chicken pox, measles, rubella, whatever. For Republicans and Democrats on the national scene, the good of the country runs a distant third to getting elected and helping their party. As a hat-wearing independent, I’ll be beholden to no one, though, like JFK and others, I might be holdin’ someone.
Sixth, we’ve not had a Kentucky-born president since Honest Abe. (That carpetbagger Rand Paul was born in Pittsburgh.) Lincoln did just fine, and not just because he was tall. It is long past time that this nation I served in the U.S. Navy select a native of this commonwealth to kick back in the White House.
Seventh, I will do away with all lobbyists who don’t work for charities, and I might have a few of them put on the chain gang, too. The people who help write our laws aren’t just members of Congress, you know. Former for-profit lobbyists will be put to work guarding our border with Mexico, cleaning gum off sidewalks, and digging trenches – then filling them back up. Good, honest work for people not accustomed to such things.
Eighth, I’m not just tall, I’ve been working out all my life and am, I daresay, reasonably well put-together. Isn’t it time we had a president who could, when times are tough, open a can of whup-ass on every member of Congress?
Ninth, I’m running out of column ideas. Monday morning, I asked (then-editor) Stephen Peterson to pass along any topics he thought might be of interest. His suggestion, which he explained was the first word that popped into his head, was “fungus.” He said a good columnist should be able to write a column about anything. I picked running for president over the pros and cons of fungi, but it’s clear the well is running dry. Tenth, I’m a veteran. Cash campaign contributions can be made to me in the shady alley next to the Versailles Municipal Building. I’ll also accept reasonably clean fedoras.